Confessions of a Laid-off Lawyer

Just Your Average Joe Blogging Away His Debt—In One Year or Less

An Emotional Enema

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Total Black: $207.25
Total Red: $228,013.71

It’s true.

Tonight was the opening of the Recession Art Sale.  Unfortunately, it wasn’t promoted very well, so there wasn’t much turn out.  Of course, I think that’s because the “soft opening” (or preview—as I called it) was on Thursday night and no one really made two “openings” clear to everyone.  Nevertheless, turn-out isn’t wholly the focus, selling the art is.  And we’ve received some great reviews already on the exhibit.  The Artpoint‘s Philip Clark called the show “a wonderful new collection of intriguing and eye-stopping works in all media.”  On another blog, Karen 5.0, Karen Witczak found the event “very warm and inviting, with a distinct energy.”  Only better reviews to come.

After tonight’s opening, a few of the people involved with the show went out for food and drinks.  Our restaurant host dabbles a bit in astrology, so he talked with me about my star chart.  What he said really got me thinking about how far I’ve come from who I once was.  See, I’m a Gemini.  And whether there’s any truth to it or not, as a Gemini, I’ve always enjoyed being the center of attention.  My star chart showed as much tonight.  But I can’t remember the last time I felt that way.  Now it seems I must scream just to get a word in edgewise.  A few years ago though parties wouldn’t really start until I arrived.  And they didn’t end until I left.  I was the life and I ruined the evening if I didn’t show.  I barely remember that guy.  Since becoming straddled with this debt, everything’s changed a great deal.

Now I’m constipated.  Socially.  Definitely economically.  At parties or other social events I pretty much just sit there.  I’ve lost my spark.  No one would even call me to the party now.  Usually I’m bored and just waiting to leave.  And mostly it’s out of fear of my debt load and the cost of socializing.  During law school I rarely had money to go out so I fell into a pattern of semesterly outings (coinciding with the timing of student loan refund checks).  As a professional working late nights, I rarely went out both because of the hours per day I spent at the job and somewhat because of money restraints.  Now I’m reluctant to socialize at all because of the cost.

As I walked back to my apartment tonight, I thought about my astrologist’s forecast of my character.  It reminded me of how out-of-character I’ve been acting these past five or six years.  Being in debt, and subsequently cash poor, has taken a toll on my personality.  I’ve been ashamed of my debt and I think it’s showed in my behavior.  It’s caused me to doubt my skills and abilities, my accomplishments, definitely my worth, and even my attractiveness.  I’m no longer the fun and carefree kid I once was.  Some might say that goes hand in hand with becoming an adult.  Not sure if that’s so.  Not sure if that must be so.  But carrying this load has definitely hunched my shoulders over and constrained my personality.  As I left the restaurant tonight I thought of Jack Nicholson in Batman, yelling out that the town needed an enema.  That’s me.  I feel emotionally, financially, and socially backed up.  I just need a good release to get it all moving again.  And a return to regularity is one thing I look forward to when I’m out of debt.

To that end, one bit of good news: I start the new temp position tomorrow.  That’ll add a bit of fiber to my constitution.  And hopefully a few art sales will be the Ex-Lax my situation calls for.

Written by Laid-off Lawyer

September 21, 2009 at 23:33

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