Confessions of a Laid-off Lawyer

Just Your Average Joe Blogging Away His Debt—In One Year or Less

A Time For Everything

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Total Black: $68.68
Total Red: $230,649.18

The sun is just stretching its arms and rubbing its eyes as I sit to write today’s entry.  Breaking the late night posting schedule will take some discipline and getting used to.  But it must start sometime.  So, why not today?

I got asked on a date yesterday.  Odd timing because it seems that my social capital has been steadily increasing these past few weeks.  I wonder if the drugs I’m testing for the medical experiment are working after all.  I’ve not mentioned that the drugs are for depression.  I’ve been embarrassed to say that.  Not that I can say with certainty that I have depression.  But after a year of being laid-off, it wouldn’t surprise me if I do.  If I have depression, it’s been mostly physical.  I don’t really feel sad or blue.  I don’t feel much at all I suppose.  Just random pains.  I hinted at the physical ailments in Debt Most Physical.  I know that my debt situation has caused stress, which has its own side-effects.  Yet I wonder too if some of my physical ailments are caused by depression.  Whatever the case, my mood seems to be improving.  And I suppose people are noticing.  Had someone ask me out to lunch the other day.  The temp attorney sitting next to me seems to be flirting with me, running her fingers through her hair and teasing me.  Not that I’ve ever been good at spotting flirtation, but I’m certainly not being ignored.  Even the associates from the firm have been “alert” to my presence, which I touched on a bit in Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom.  Maybe it’s all not sexual; just that I’m becoming more “attractive” as I regain some of my emotional footing.   At any rate, for whatever the reasons, being asked on a date hasn’t happened since at least 2006.  And I must admit that it has triggered mixed emotions.

As the prescient and beautiful passages from Ecclesiastes says, there is a time for everything.  Curious to observe that a time to love is near the bottom of the list of things for which there is a time.  I wonder if Abraham Maslow modeled his Hierarchy of Needs loosely on that biblical passage.  He too puts love past basic needs of food and shelter.  Or maybe it’s just truth.  I wonder because many people seem to put sex at the top of their list.  How many films have we seen with scenes of impending doom and all the main characters want to do is have sex.  I’ve even seen horny homeless men, which boggles the mind on too many levels, not the least of which is wondering how once can think of sex in desperate times like that.  For me, the idea of dating right now is a bit worrisome both because I don’t have my basic needs met yet but also because I’ve a history of attracting “care-takers.”  And I’m surely in need of some care-taking right now.

My life is a mess.  I’m temporarily employed.  I can’t afford to feed my pets.  My debt is climbing and my income hasn’t started yet.  Mentally I’m not in the right place to be the support needed in a relationship.  Friends would chide me for taking it that far because it’s only a date that I’ve been asked on.  And that’s true.  And I respect that.  But people don’t want to “date” others for just a one-off event.  Dating opens a door.  People invite others on dates because they can envision themselves with that person for a while.  People don’t go on dates like they’re renting a movie: something to see once and return after using.  At least not in my world they don’t.  Otherwise, dating is just hanging out.  As I see it, dating is, in a sense, like sampling a new dish at a restaurant.  If you like the dish, you’d order it for dinner.  If you don’t, you’d pick something else.  But you still have to pay the bill for your meal.  And my wallet is empty right now.  It’s what dating leads to afterward that is what I doubt I have to give right now.

A few friends might point out that I’ve been saying that for years.

A time for everything doesn’t imply an ideal time.  But in that same vein, it’s important to know when an opportunity might not be a good one.  I touched on that in 危 機 ≠ Opportunity, but in an economic sense.  It should apply as well to romantic opportunities.  To invite someone into the chaos of my life right now might not be good for either of us.  In the past I’ve over-focused on “the other” in the relationship, worrying that I’m doing everything to make things right.  If there’s a time for everything, perhaps it’s time for me to stop that and to start working on making myself happy.  That’s a season I can turn to.

One Response

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  1. Hang in there. I wish there was something I could do…thinking of you.

    WB

    September 30, 2009 at 21:03


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